Getting at the Truth

by Jeff Hatch

I was truly excited to be a part of the Valor project. It was a challenging role and a noble effort to do a piece that sheds light on the hardships faced by our military heroes who've sacrificed themselves for the sake of our country.

My father was a Vietnam War veteran who suffered from catastrophic battle wounds. I dedicated my performance to his memory. He died in 1990 of a heart attack that was partly due to the massive strain his heart underwent from horrific injuries that included 3rd degree burns over 60% of his body from an RPG attack that destroyed the truck he was driving.

Dad was lucky to survive and return home to raise his family. But his experiences in combat would haunt him the rest of his life, and consequently mom, my brothers and I would suffer also.

After Vietnam, what successes he did have as a father and husband, were due largely to my mother's steadfast love. She never allowed him to quit on her or his sons, and she never gave up on him, no matter how many times he failed to live up to his own expectations.

There were obvious parallels between my character, Colonel Ben Hamilton, and my father. His wife, Captain Kate Hamilton, (played by my friend Geneviere Anderson) showed a lot of qualities I remember in my mom. Kate won’t give up on Ben, even at rock bottom of his despair, just as mom never gave up on dad, who again and again took us down right along with him.

Of course, the story of Ben and Kate ends on a positive, more hopeful note, with the two of them on the verge of parenthood, and Ben pulling himself up and beginning a more productive life thanks to some sensitive mental health support, and despite his paralysis.

But I have a hunch if their story was continued and honest, it would probably look more like my mom and dad's. Flash forward 17 years and their “kid” is almost grown up and finishing high school when Ben dies. His life has been greatly shortened by his condition and years of fighting depression and post traumatic stress disorder, which has also left his marriage to Kate in tatters and on the brink of divorce. Even a great woman can only hold on so long in all the turbulent ups and downs.

Kate, of course, would be devastated and wracked with guilt over being ready to leave the man, just at the time of his death, when 17 years before she’d sworn, “Never! No matter what.”

Their child is also left with unresolved issues. Ben, at best, was distant as a father, and at worst abusive, violent, and unable to connect with his kid in ways he wished he could have. “Blame the enemy!” You could almost hear his silent scream. Depression. Paralysis. Unforgiving self-loathing. They were the victors. And the kid could never hear his father say. “I love you, son…” Not even once.

That, unfortunately would be closer to the story of my family. And me. I fear it’s also closer to the story of many families of veterans suffering from PTSD, TBI and other ugly war injuries. That is one reason I am proud of this project. It honors their sacrifice and truthfully raises awareness of all the complex issues our returning soldiers face.

In my performance, I was not consciously channeling my father. But I did notice, in powerful emotional moments certain similarities in my voice, inflections and phrases. Spontaneously, in our improvised dialogue, my dad was right there… prompting.

Of course, since I was raised by the man, it's hardly coincidental that I should act a bit like him. But when I saw the finished piece, I realized what I'd never before noticed… so much of him that lives on in me.